Becoming my authentic self.

600 days ago I decided I didn’t want to live as a depressed, anxious, overweight and heartbroken 46-year-old single mom with feelings of despair, loneliness and hopelessness. 

To the outside world it appeared that I “had it all”, but the reality was that I was dying inside and if I didn’t change something immediately, that battle wouldn’t have lasted much longer. 

I wanted to live a better life. Deep down somewhere I knew that I deserved to live a better life. I also knew that it would not come easy to me nor should it for the greatest things in life take hard work.

I wanted to live a life full of hope and love and light. I just had no idea how to get there. I knew that something had to change. I knew that something had to be different. I knew that I had to change to become different. I needed to find out who “Donna” really was in order to do that. The “Donna” that I thought I had known for a long time was actually riddled with anxiety and depression and dulled by the poison of alcohol. 600 days ago, I made the choice to get my mental health under control and with that, get sober. If you had asked me 599 days ago if this was even remotely possible, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. But, today as I reflect back on the past 600 days and the journey that I am now on, I couldn’t be more grateful. September 25, 2022, needed to be my last day of drinking in order to save myself and become who I am meant to be. 

It’s easy to sit here and talk about when I was drinking, but the truth is everybody has the same stories. Some of us just articulate them better or worse than others. We all can reminisce about the drunk black outs, poor decision, regretful conversations, harmful situations we put ourselves in, shameful stories, and lost potential. HOWEVER, the true power of a person is seeing, understanding and knowing what your potential can be. I don’t want to define myself by shameful or regretful stories. I wanted to define myself by the hope that lives in my heart for a better future.

Finding the balance between not “forgetting where I came from” and “where do I want to be” takes patience, self-forgiveness, humility and grace. Becoming my true authentic self has not been easy, nor am I done, but it’s been worth it. 

This is what I have discovered so far on my journey of becoming my true authentic self. 

I am capable of doing hard things. I have always thought this, but I had never in my life actually done it without coping with alcohol. Even though I had gone through a divorce, buried my dad, financial success and failures, a house fire, single mom of toddlers, lost jobs, have a child on the Autism spectrum and mentally ill family members and more, I had never faced or dealt with any of this without alcohol and depression spiraling my mental health out of control.

I’m capable of (and now welcome) sitting in my feelings, good and bad. Whether I want to or not. Yes, the “hurts” hurt more, that’s for sure, but the love I feel now knows no boundaries. 

I actually have more fun than I’ve ever had in my life. I dance at parties. I laugh more. I love more. I have more confidence. I’m just as corny and still a huge dork at times.

I am deserving of equal and real love. Most of all I now know that I deserve more than feeling like I am disposable. I have always been the one in my relationships to love more, to give more and to tolerate more. I now know my true worth and have found someone who values me just as much as I value myself. 

I am by no means perfect or even done doing the inner work that is needed to grow more, but I at least started and on my way. My smile now is real. I am happy. I know that I am lovable. I know that no matter what life throws at me, alcohol is not the answer to the problem. 

Good luck with your journey.